Overcoming Obstacles: Developing a Realistic Mental Self-Image

Last Time, I went through some personal observations on the road I took back to being "alive."

-I cannot do everything or be everything to everybody.----I have to be willing to make choices and sacrifice.----I have learned to be like "Teflon" and never let the negative "crap" stick.----I have to be determined and persevere.----I have realized outside of God's Grace, which is freely given, and the love every child deserves, we have no entitlement to anything else----it must be earned.----I might never be able to achieve the "mental image" of myself which I was before I set my goals.---- What others say or think about me is irrelevant.

Now, I want to share my thoughts on taming the Mental Self-Image.

I developed a revised mental self-image for myself.

Why was this necessary? Because my old mental self-image was conflicting with the core values that I found myself possessing after the death of my husband in 1999.
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Here is what I think about self-image.

We start out with self-images which we derive from the social climate we live in, or in the dreams we build for ourselves as children. Southern women my age generally think of being
-a perfect homemaker
-a stylish wife and mother with big hair and salon painted toenails
-a wonderful career attainer who sets the same aside to be a stay at home mom
-a Bible study leader
-an accomplished entertainer and party-giver

In order to get on down the road, I have had to abandon some of my former self-imaging concepts and to renew an image more compatible with my true core values.

Otherwise, I was conflicted in what I did with my time.

For instance, I had to drop the fantasy of being a wife at this juncture in my life.

I am a fun loving person who enjoys people, and in particular I enjoy the company of men.

I never saw myself as living out my 40's without a significant other. If all goes right for me, perhaps by the time I am 50 I will be able to re-engage that part of my life--but, only after I achieve the goals I have set for myself.

In November of 2002, I started dating a grad student who lives near me.

The first thing you know, he was telling me what I needed to do with a piece of rental property I owned. And his advice was not bad. However, his advice was not something I felt was within my scope of ability without his help and I was not ready to hand over my fragile independence.

Next, he gave me his point of view on whether or not time spent going "out" was valuable in the big scope of things. Based on where I wanted to go with my life, I did not have the time to invest in much going out to the local fun places so plentiful in a college town.

I do go out on occasion, but regular dance club attendance is not something that I care to do, or to devote my time to.

I love to go out and be with people, but I cannot afford the investment of my time into it.

(Don't get me wrong, this person is a very nice man.

For those of you who are confused by the term "student" and may think I was robbing a cradle, this student was actually was only a few years younger than me. Five to be exact, and the same age as my late husband. I admired his wish to return to school, however, our goals did not run parallel to one another. )

It took me exactly five weeks to realize that the problems of a relationship would side-track me from my goals of independence. So, I had a choice.

I could either continue to involve myself in that relationship that would cause me to have to
reassert myself constantly remind him of MY goals, or I could get back on track and remain focused. I chose the latter.

Why is because I have a single-minded focus that I protect and I do not intend to let others steal away from me.

If I am going to meet my goals, I cannot make compromises with others at this stage in my life. I think it's a good thing that I recognize this and do not want it "all" while running roughshod over the life of another person.

As I go along in my endeavors of creating wealth and independence, I receive a lot of negative feedback, and a lot of backhanded compliments. The old Brenda who was a city manager's wife who had to give thought to the opinions of others would be crushed. Especially so without my husband by my side to tell me that I should not be hurt, or put off by the kind of remarks many negative people seem to live to speak.

For some, helpful hints and advice given without solicitation, and critical commentary shrouded in "helpfulness" is what they live for.

Take note: The new and improved model "BrendaTx" does not give a rat's tail.

I have a single-minded determination that I believe serves me well and which will get me to the end results I desire.

I devote my time to writing and working on marketing myself and my notary business.

Though I look like a business professional when I do loan signings, I have stopped worrying so much about trends and fashion and fall back on classics. I spend my extra dollars on advertising, marketing, and technology upgrades.

Had I not defined what was important to me at the time my husband died, my mental self-images would have conflicted drastically with what I really wanted from life. Therefore, my tombstone could possibly have ultimately read:

-Brenda strived to please everyone else and felt angry and hurt all the time.

-She was worried about being "alone" so she married so many times she lost count and made every husband's life a living hell.

-She felt threatened when others did not agree with her, or chose to see things differently from her, so she stayed mad a lot.

-She never met a dust bunny that she'd let stay in her house and resented every minute she spent cleaning house.

-Appearances were everything to her.

-She invested in status, style and fashion and came up empty-handed.

-She never learned the art of spending time alone because her worth came from the validation of others. Therefore, she was always miserable.

-She was a very unhappy woman who blamed every bad thing that happened to her on everyone else.

-She became a very negative and critical person in the final result.

She was an uptight, mean old lady who was uncomfortable in her own skin, and we don't miss her at all! Good Riddance!

Next time - "A Method to My Madness...(I think)"

Until then, I remain...

Your humble correspondent,
Brenda Stone
Writing from "The Notary Fringe"